39. A new year's resolution (of sorts).

It's late, so I don't necessarily feel up for teaching a lesson in semantics. Which is fine, since most of my readership (which means all three of you) would likely not learn anything from said lesson that you didn't already know.

But. When I say this post is about "a new year's resolution," I say "resolution" to mean "resolve; to be resolute." Not quite the same as the way we've come to understand the word as it is traditionally associated with New Year's (which, for me, would be as follows: res•o•lu•tion--noun: 1. a promise made to myself for the umpteenth year in a row that this year, this year, I'll actually get into the gym on a consistent basis and put on a good 15 pounds of muscle...only to invariably give up by mid-March.")

I'm coming into 2009 with a greater sense of determination than I had in 2008.

Maybe it's due to the fact that I made good on my promise to do something unique on the first of the year, and ended up jumping into a freezing cold body of water in an amazing Canadian city I'd never been to before. I don't want to use the term "empowering" to describe the event, 'cause that would be obnoxiously over-the-top. But it did allow me to immediately start the year off with a sense of accomplishment, however small as it may have been. The bet made on New Year's Eve certainly hasn't hurt, either; in that case, I know that I absolutely have to make good on the task set before me, because, hey--money's on the line.

Combine those events with some recent conversations and readings, and the result has been a great overall feeling about the new year. Even just ten days in, I've noticed that I'm being more proactive and assertive, procrastinating slightly (very slightly) less, and expecting to make 2009 a very productive and successful year both personally and professionally.

Contrast that with a year ago: I came into 2008 on a real emotional low--despondent, severely depressed, filled with a numbing sense of meaninglessness. And, as I came to realize the other day, that ominous sense of debilitation sort of carried on throughout the year. I basically let the year "happen" to me. I didn't take charge of anything, really; whether it was in dating relationships, in my living situation, or in my various creative endeavors, I passively allowed things to happen to me--good, bad, or otherwise--without any real motivation to change my circumstances whenever I could.

Looking back, it was a difficult year, but also--quite likely--a necessary year. Having gone through it, I'm now ready to have a year that is--in many ways--quite unlike it.

So in the past few days, I've finished a massive cleaning of my room, taken small but significant steps forward on a few creative projects I've been toying around with for a year, stepped outside my comfort zone and ended up meeting some great new folks, and re-dedicated myself to completing the VW documentary. And on Monday, I'm hitting the gym...for reals.

I honestly don't know if the current surge of energy and drive will last. I hope it will, but I also know myself well enough to know that the slightly-manic yin of my personality eventually gives way to the slightly-depressive yang.

But even if the depressive side eventually comes to the fore, it's very possible that I may have found the resolve that I lacked for much--if not all--of last year. And for that, I'm incredibly grateful.

Maybe next January 1st, I'll walk on hot coals.